Gathering Rubies

Larry is taking me and mom out for our Mother’s Day Dinner today. Mom and I don’t like crowded restaurants, so we opted for today.  Before lunch the three of us are going shopping to try and find a new loveseat for my mom. So I’m taking the day off today. Okay…you can at least pretend to be disappointed.

You are aware by now that I love humor, so I’m sharing a couple that tickled my funny bone and I hope they put a smile on your face too.

Tick Warning

I dislike it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally…but this one is real, and it’s important. So please, send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list

This is the time of year to think of ticks once again. If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and they ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up…

DO NOT DO IT!!  THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked…I wish I’d gotten this yesterday…I feel SO stupid.

Red Skelton’s Recipe for a Perfect Marriage

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

 We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

 I take my wife everywhere…..but she keeps finding her way back.

 I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

 We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

 My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”

 She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

 She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said “No, jump in!”

 I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

 I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

 The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”

I needed some laughter today and found this in my old files, it tickled my funny bone so hope you enjoy it too!

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.