Tag Archives: Humor

Day Seven

June 22, 2010

The “kids” and I are getting along fine now that they know who is really in charge.

Okay…so it took a little prompting. All I had to do was hang my cast iron skillet and a pillow case in the coop. I told them the choice was theirs. All of them need to come in the coop at the appropriate time in the evening.

After looking around and considering the alternatives; fried chicken or a feather pillow, they had a hen session and decided “life isn’t so bad after all.” We are still doing fine and they are minding their manners.

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The Lawn Mower

March 8, 2010

I love my friends and I am delighted when they send me things that make me laugh. This one came over the weekend. Enjoy!

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. The preacher asked “How much do you want for the mower?” “I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle”, said the little boy.

 After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for the mower?” The boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”  The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

 The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.” The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.” The preacher said, “I am a minister and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.” 

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya.”

James 1:2-4 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

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Rum Cake…Like You've Never Tasted!

September 14, 2009

In 1993 my brother Stan compiled a marvelous cookbook titled Lancaster Family Reunion Cookbook. All of our family was encouraged to send in some of their favorite recipes for the book. He did a remarkable job and sent a copy to every family member who contributed or requested a copy.

Lancaster is my mother’s maiden name. I believe the idea for the cookbook originated after the 1987 reunion when so many of us gathered in Oklahoma City after flying or driving in from various other states. It was a great and memorable reunion. Many of our loved ones have passed on since that time. The tradition carries on, we still get together each year, however the numbers are dwindling.

Today I am sharing a very special recipe from my Aunt Evelyn Lancaster. She was a grand auntie who suffered many losses in her lifetime. She had multiple miscarriages and then lost a six year old son after he was hit by a car while riding his bicycle. Even with a broken heart she always made me feel like a million dollars. I can remember many occasions walking into her living room to see her sitting in the middle of her couch. Her face would break into the biggest smile and she would spread her arms as wide as she could and say “Come over here and give “Anie” a big kiss.” She had so much love to give and she had a tremendous sense of humor, as you will see after reading the recipe she submitted.

Rum Cake
1 cup butter
1 or 2 quarts Rum
2 large eggs
Nuts
1 cup dried fruit
Baking Powder
Lemon juice
Brown sugar

Before you start; sample the rum to check for quality. Good isn’t it?

Now go ahead, select a large bowl, measuring cup etc. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup of rum in to a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat…

With an electric mixer beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl, add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again.

Meanwhile, it’s important to make sure the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart of rum in necessary. Add to arge legs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat until hig. If druit gets stuck on the beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample rum again.

Next, sift 3 cups of pepper or salt, (it really doesn’t matter). Sample rum again. Sift 1 pint of lemon juice, add 1 bafferspoon of brown thugar or what ever color you can find.

Mix mel. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredeese., now pour the whole mess into the voven and ake. Check rum again and go to ged.

I have one small request. After you try the cake…be sure and let me know how you liked it. :)

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A Lick and A Promise

September 11, 2009

Today has not gone as planned…I was up early, ready to write and I could not access the Internet. I tried all the troubleshooting things I knew to try and was not successful. Finally I called my provider and the CSR had me try a couple of other things; still no success. Spent a couple of hours on that, then Larry and I took our walk. I tried again and ending up calling my broadband support for the second time. This time a different CSR said “Yes”, we’ve been having problems in your area all morning; I think a little smoke came out of my ears as I wondered why the first CSR didn’t bother to share that little tidbit with me. This person had me do the same thing as the other person and she did some tweaking on her end and now, several hours later I’m back in business. Since my brain feels a bit fried from all the technical ‘stuff’, I decided I would share some of my favorite sayings I remember hearing during my growing up years. I came across these some time ago so I shall share them with you today.

Some of you will understand this (for the rest of you it will be a learning situation)

‘I’ll just give this a lick and a promise,’ my mother said as she quickly mopped up a spill on the floor without moving any of the furniture. 

‘What is that supposed to mean,’ I asked as in my young mind I envisioned someone licking the floor with his or her tongue.  ‘It means that I’m in a hurry and I’m busy canning tomatoes so I am going to just give it a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the job right later. 

‘A lick and a promise’ was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear.  

This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous. Here is a list of some of those memorable old phrases:     

1.  A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement) 

2.  An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge)   

3. One bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don’t remove the bad one) 

4. At sea (lost or not understanding something) 

5. Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person) 

6. Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.) 

7. Barking up the wrong tree (talking about something that was completely the wrong issue with the wrong person)

8. Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won’t let loose) 

9. Been through the mill (had a rough time of it) 

10. Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult) 

11. Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk) 

12.   Calaboose (a jail) 

13.  Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle) 

14.  Dicker (To barter or trade) 

15.  Feather in Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy) 

16.  Hold your horses (Be patient!) 

17.  Hoosegow (a jail) 

18.  I reckon (I suppose) 

19.  Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing) 

20. Kit and caboodle (The whole thing) 

21.  Madder than a wet hen (really angry) 

22. Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson)

23. No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore) 

24. Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish) 

25. Pert-near (short for pretty near) 

26. Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks) 

27. Red up (clean the house) 

28. Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person) 

29. Scarce as hen’s teeth (something difficult to obtain) 

30. Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly) 

31.  Sparking (courting) 

32. Straight From the Horse’s Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned) 

33. Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value) 

34. Sunday go to meetin’ dress (The best dress you had) 

35. We wash up real fine (is another goodie) 

36. Tie the Knot (to get married) 

37. Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things)        

38. Tuckered out (tired and all worn out) 

39. Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather) 

40. Wearing your ‘best bib and tucker’ (Being all dressed up) 

41.  You ain’t the only duck in the pond (It’s not all about you)

Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I’ll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don’t be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I’ve been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I’m no spring chicken.  I haven’t been just stringin’ around and I know I’m not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just a lick and a promise!

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End of Another Week

September 4, 2009

Today we are off to moms; Larry is going to put her new bookshelf together. We had a fair amount of rain in the wee hours of the morning and it’s too wet for him to work outside. It’s been another busy week and hopefully somewhat productive. Hope you all enjoy your weekend.

I will leave you with something to think about. I’m just curious; this question is for my female readers. How would you feel if your husband said this to you today? I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh. Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. We will make you earrings of gold, studded with silver. Song 1:9-11 Other than making earrings of gold, studded with silver, I’m thinking I wouldn’t get very passionate if Larry said that to me. This is how I would interpret the first part…Oh, so now I’m a big fat horse am I??? And who is this Pharaoh guy that I should be harnessed to his chariots. I would cut out the char and the riots would begin. ;)

The way we describe things has certainly changed. I imagine Pharaoh had some stunning horses so likely that was an enormous compliment, still, the way we speak today…those would be fighting words. :)

And….just to be fair; this one is for my male readers. How would you feel if your wife said this to you? Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth — for your love is more delightful than wine.  Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you! Take me away with you— let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers. Song 1:2-4

Be honest now….would you indignantly pull out your man card at the word perfume?

Ok….that’s the end of my silliness for today. See you next week!

 

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Winding Down

August 28, 2009

We have reached another Friday, seems as if this week had wings and flew away.

I was in one of my closets today looking for something, (which I didn’t find) and saw the boxes and boxes of photographs which I keep intending to organize. I made a mental note to do that soon and as quickly as I did the thought came into my mind that I’m not promised tomorrow”. I pushed that thought away with this one; “then someone else will have to do it”.

I have what seems like a kajillion things to do today and so far I’m not making much progress. So I’m off to start some of my errands. Hope you all have a terrific weekend!

Enjoy this bit of humor

Trust

Travel is hard enough without the airline industry scaring us with their terminology.

As I drive to the airport, watching for the signs that indicate what exits to take, I wonder what sadist named the place where you trust your all to a creaking bunch of nuts and bolts Terminal.

When I check in at the counter, I remember this particular flight was chosen by my travel agent for one reason—it was the cheapest available.

When it’s time to land, why does the flight attendant have to remind us that we are making our final approach? (On a recent flight, the attendant announced reassuringly, “We will be in the ground very shortly.”)

When the flight attendant warns us not to move until the plane has reached a complete stop, I wonder what an incomplete stop would be like. (from 1001 Quotes)
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And the Odds Are…

August 12, 2009

We went out for our walk this morning and after we got home I was going to sit down and write my blog. My sweet husband had other plans. We drove out to Karla’s house. Larry thought he might get some chicken wire if she had any. I stayed on the porch and took pictures and looked at a book while they were looking at things in the barn. Then we visited for a while and we left to go to Owasso.

Yesterday among the junk mail was a flyer from a car dealership in Owasso. It had a place to scratch off some numbers and a key glued to the flyer. I usually don’t even look at the junk mail; I just toss it in the garbage. I guess this time it stayed on the counter too long.  Larry must have had a moment of boredom because he scratched the numbers off and it said “WINNER”. He showed it to me and I just laughed and said “yeah right”. He left it on the counter.

Later, I saw it and had my own moment of boredom or curiosity. Four prizes were being offered for the winning number. First prize was a 2010 Camero. Second prize was a 2009 ATV. Third prize was up to $500.00 in gold coins and Fourth Prize was $1000.00 I decided to call the toll free number to verify the winning confirmation code. The lady I spoke with asked for some information from the flyer and my name and phone number. She said I was a winner. I specifically asked if that meant I had won one of the four prizes listed. She said “yes”. Next I asked her if we had to purchase anything, I was told that we didn’t have to purchase anything and there was no obligation and that I was definitely a winner.

Well….I’m a skeptic about these things, anyway I told Larry I had called and since he had to go to Lowe’s I told him that we were supposed to be at the dealership at noon. He rolled his eyes and we both laughed. We even talked about there being a gimmick or a ‘catch’ of some sort and I remember thinking to myself; if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.

After all, still fresh in my mind are the three “Free” stamp catalogs I ordered for Larry last week from the Internet. Each one arrived in a matter of days and each one had an introductory package of stamps with an invoice if he decided to keep the stamps. Otherwise we had to send them back, which I did.

Sorry for the digression. We were greeted at the dealership by a nice young man. He had us spin a wheel (like Wheel of Fortune) as soon as we arrived. We could tell right off that his purpose was to sell us a vehicle ( I know, you are saying we should have figured that out before we ever left home) and we told him right up front that we were not in the market for a new vehicle, that we only came to claim our prize. As I said he was very nice, not too pushy and we visited for two hours, and even looked at a very nice 2009 Toyota Pickup. He disappeared for a few minutes and his manager came and “worked” on us for about ten minutes. Practically promised us the moon, even as we kept insisting we were not in the market to purchase a vehicle. Both men really were very nice and we had a nice visit, although I found the whole thing to be somewhat amusing.

We finally collected our prize and it was gold coins. Just one problem, instead of $500.00 in gold coins it was only $3.00 in gold coins. Yes…the wording was “up too” and the odds were 1,000,000.00 to one. Oh… and when I asked about the key glued to the flyer, he pulled it off and broke it! He then explained that it cost them a set amount to have each key made and that from past experience people tend to break them off in the ignition, so you don’t actually get to try and start the car, it’s all in the confirmation number.

We came home with our three gold coins and a flyer to give any of our friends interested in getting a great deal on a new or used car and of course if you do….well we get $500.00 for the reference.

Now I hope y’all find this little story amusing and it’s okay if you are laughing with me, just not at me. The phrase “there’s a sucker born every minute” seems to keep going through my mind this afternoon. Yes friends, even though I’m a bit of a skeptic, I’m also one of the gullible ones.

Anyone in the market for a new car? Just give me a holler!

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Red Corvette

July 31, 2009

Just a quick note…It’s been a very busy week; so busy that I haven’t been able to write for the past couple of days. If the Lord wills, I will be back on schedule beginning Monday.

Hope you all have a great weekend! I’m signing off with a joke for your enjoyment.

Red Corvette …

A Kansas senior citizen drove his brand new red Corvette convertible out of a Wichita dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

‘Amazing,’ he thought as he flew around I-235 towards Kansas City, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Highway Patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

 Suddenly he thought, ‘What am I doing? I’m too old for this,’ and pulled over to await the Trooper’s arrival.

 Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, ‘Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.’

 The gentleman paused. Then said, ‘Years ago, my wife ran off with a Kansas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.’

‘Have a good day, Sir,’ replied the Trooper.

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Making a Reputation

June 12, 2009

Getting older seems to be having some challenges for me; so much so that my husband jokingly tells me “I’m making quite a reputation for myself.”  Hesitantly, I will share the experiences of the past couple of months with you. Feel free to laugh with me…just don’t laugh at me.

About two months ago we went to lunch at our favorite Mexican Restaurant and mom went with us. I strongly dislike using public restrooms, however….this particular day it couldn’t be avoided. Although I was born in Oklahoma, I moved to CA around 1960 and lived there until 2005. One thing I like about CA is they have “seat protectors” in the restrooms. Most places I’ve had to visit in Oklahoma do not have them. This place didn’t!! This restaurant also has all male waiters, occasionally, on weekends there will be some female help. We visited on a weekday.

Let me set the scene for you….I’m dressed in black slacks and a mostly black top. The restrooms are in the back of the restaurant, nestled between two dining areas. I reached the Ladies Room, turned the knob and the door is locked; I wait… Shortly one of the male waiters exits the Ladies Room. My first thought, after the initial shock and double take to make sure I’m waiting outside the right door is “he’s probably adjusting some hidden camera.” I admit- I may be a teeny bit paranoid. I enter the room; did I mention there is a “green cloud” gag…gag… in the room?  My first order of business is to quickly line the ‘throne’ with nice long strips of toilet paper, sit down, drain my aching bladder, pull slacks up quickly, wash hands, leave room before being overtaken by green cloud left by previous occupant. Did I also mention; there’s no full length mirror? As I exit, four male waiters are standing at the end of the hallway waiting to assist any patrons who may enter the restaurant. I begin my walk back to our booth. As I reach our booth my husband gets up to let me in, and at the same horrifying moment, we both realize I have a very long white TP tail. (Larry calls me “Bon”) He said “Bon” with a hushed urgency, “you have something hanging from your slacks”…I’m already gasping in shock, crunching the paper tail up in my hands as quickly as possible and trying to sit down and act very nonchalant at the same time. I’m feeling hot…silently praying this isn’t really happening. (Yes! I’ve heard stories about old ladies and TP.) I was so embarrassed I’m sure my face was emitting its own light show in various shades of crimson red.

I’m sure they are still laughing and they probably all had their cell phones out snapping pictures. In case you’re wondering…we have been back. I sucked it up-held my head high and walked back in. After all, no one in their right mind would dare mention the incident to me. Right???

The second incident happened at our Thursday night bible class. We were enjoying our study in the Boogan’s beautiful patio. My bible was in front of me and I noticed a black bug at the top of my page. I discreetly turned my bible around to knock it off the page. As I did, I noticed it wasn’t a bug; rather it was a small black-jumping spider. Now, I don’t like bugs at all and especially not spiders. He took a couple of quick jumps and lands right in my lap. Next thing I realize; I’m shrieking and jumping myself…trying to scoot my chair back without tipping it over and to get away from the spider. Everyone is looking at me as if I suddenly “got the Spirit”. (Remember the Ray Stevens Song about “Mississippi Squirrel Revival”?) Well that was almost me! (The spider is now in its “happy place.”)

The third and hopefully last incident happened last Saturday. During the week I had purchased a new top. Saturday I wore my new top. I examined it for hanging tags and cut one from the underarm area. I’m out running errands, Larry is at mom’s doing some yard work and I drive over there to see him for a minute. My next stop is at Wal-Mart to pick up some groceries. I get a phone call from our Youth Minister, Ron. He very calmly tells me he’s having some chest discomfort, and wants to know what Larry and I are doing. I explained where we were and told him I would be right over. I get to his house, and we drive first to the local doctor, who doesn’t take his insurance so next we drive to Owasso to the hospital. An ER nurse meets me at the car and takes him into ER. I’m sitting in the waiting room until I can go back to see him. Another young man comes in and introduces himself. He is Allen, the Youth Minister from an Owasso congregation. After a few minutes the receptionist informs us we can go into Ron’s room. After about ten minutes I notice Allen keeps looking at my “chest” area, so much so that I’m getting a bit uncomfortable. I look down to see what the fascination might be and as I do, he begins stammering, somewhat uncomfortably; and politely informs me that I still have the size sticker on the front of my shirt. I look down again and sure enough…there it is; a three inch piece of sticky label with the size printed vertically about 6 times right across my boob. Mind you…I’ve already made several stops and not one person has mentioned this to me. Yes…it was a printed design and hopefully…no one else really saw it. When I got home and told Larry, that’s when he told me “I’m making quite a reputation for myself.” Yessirree…I’m a laugh a minute! If y’all want to book me for your next gig-just give me a holler.

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Stepping Out On Tuesday

May 12, 2009

Larry is taking me and mom out for our Mother’s Day Dinner today. Mom and I don’t like crowded restaurants, so we opted for today.  Before lunch the three of us are going shopping to try and find a new loveseat for my mom. So I’m taking the day off today. Okay…you can at least pretend to be disappointed.

You are aware by now that I love humor, so I’m sharing a couple that tickled my funny bone and I hope they put a smile on your face too.

Tick Warning

I dislike it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally…but this one is real, and it’s important. So please, send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list

This is the time of year to think of ticks once again. If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and they ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up…

DO NOT DO IT!!  THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked…I wish I’d gotten this yesterday…I feel SO stupid.

Red Skelton’s Recipe for a Perfect Marriage

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

 We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

 I take my wife everywhere…..but she keeps finding her way back.

 I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

 We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

 My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”

 She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

 She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said “No, jump in!”

 I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

 I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

 The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”

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