Rusty Nail

I feel like a rusty nail I’ve been away so long. In part, I’ve just been really busy and partly I am in…well that’s the problem, I don’t know if it’s a dry spell or exactly what it is. I simply haven’t been able to sit down, focus, or develop my thoughts. Today I will try to do just that.

I have been feeling out of sorts, scattered or scatter brained. Is there a difference? Just now I got up from my chair to open the blind wider to allow more sunlight in; instead I flipped the light switch on and sat back down before realizing what I did. I do have to laugh at myself sometimes.

I can definitely identify some of my feelings.

1)    I have been concerned about my mom’s health. She has not been feeling good for over two months now. She has more bad days than good. I have tried to talk her into going to the doctor and she has consistently refused. Finally I told her she was going and I told her she could go willingly or she could go kicking and screaming. She knows I say that jokingly (about the kicking and screaming) yet she knows when I say it like that, she will be going to the doctor. We finally went on the 21st. He examined her and ordered some blood work. We were called the next day with the results, she is anemic and they wanted to do more blood work to find out the cause. This morning we found out she is iron deficient. The doctor wants to put her on an iron supplement and also OTC Colace. This frustrates me for a couple of reasons. I told the doctor she will not take the iron supplement. She might take one or two, then it starts to upset her stomach and she quits. I also told him that in the past (In California) when she has become anemic she has been given B-12 shots on a monthly basis and iron shots. This method of treatment has worked. When the nurse called with his recommendation this morning I had to ask her to remind the doctor of our conversation and remind him that we prefer the shots. Now I’m waiting for a call back.

It’s difficult for the child to “parent” the parent.

I have told three or four people lately that mom is 83, actually she is 87. My self-analysis is this…she hasn’t been feeling well, I can hardly bear the thought of losing her, so if I take a few years off of her age I may have her longer. Is this a control issue or a trust issue?

2)    Karla, my close and dear friend has completed her move. She now lives in a new town, a little over 2 hours away. I miss her terribly, she is like my sister and we spent a lot of time together. We still talk and email but now there is a big void in my life since she has moved. We will probably put a lot of miles on our cars going back and forth visiting.

3)    This next one is more difficult to share and probably has some deep roots. More self-analysis. I shared this with Larry recently and was relieved that he completely understood and has even had similar feelings. I have said for years that changes in the weather affect me both physically and mentally. I know many will identify with the physical part. Occasionally when the atmospheric pressure changes significantly, I feel like there is a dark cloud hanging over my head, much like one may feel with substantial hormonal changes.

I want to be completely alone and have no interest in anything or anyone and have even wished I could just “go and be with the Lord”.  (I understand being with the Lord is a good thing and, like the apostle Paul, I should desire that more) but God has also given us this deep love for our family and for one another, so in my way of thinking, I should only be feeling like that if I were deeply depressed or if I really had some major issues going on in my life.

I fight tooth and nail to hide my feelings because I don’t want anyone to ask me “what’s wrong”, because I don’t know “what’s wrong! My very intuitive husband always senses when I’m feeling this way and being the smart man that he is, he usually rides it out, knowing it won’t last long, or knowing “this too shall pass”. I did share my feelings with him though last week when I was feeling this way. I told him sometimes, “I wish I were dead”. I know that sounds horrible and I’m not suicidal, I’m not unhappy; I don’t have any major problems of any kind. I simply get this dark weight on me and I don’t have any explanation for it. So….now you see why that one was harder to share. If anyone else ever feels like this and if you are inclined to share, I would love to hear from you. Some of you already have my email and others who don’t can use the “contact me” form.

That’s about it for today. I plan on elaborating on the above mentioned topic of trust on my next blog. BTW, it feels really good to write today.

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4 comments for “Rusty Nail

  1. October 8, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    I think there is a difference between “wishing I were dead” and just wanting to go and be with the Lord. There are many times I wish I were there … just a release from all in this world that reminds me just how fallen it is on this side of eternity.

  2. Meowmix
    October 5, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Janice, I can identiy completely with your feelings. Been there! First, it is not an easy thing to watch our parents deteriorate and contemplate going forward in a world that they are not a part of anymore. They are pillars in our world, and when they are gone, our whole outlook changes. And there aren’t any real answers. We just miss them and rely on the Lord.

    Secondly, that dark cloud is also something I’m familiar with. I, too, can look around and count my blessings every day. But, sometimes, I’m just sad. I’m late commenting, but I want to point you to the October 5th reading in Jesus Calling. It’s about joy. Joy being something besides happiness. In regard to wishing to be dead, I’ve done that, too. I often say, upon hearing of a suicide, that the person must have truly been in anguish of heart and soul. I’ve been unhappy enough to wish I was dead and, at times, have prayed that God would just take me home. But I’ve never considered taking my own life.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend.

    Thanks Judy, as open as I am I was a bit hesitant to post this. I do not want to take my life, sometimes I’m just ready for it to be over, and deep down I’m probably not. I just go through times of feeling overwhelmed.

    I did read the Oct. 5th reading. I never miss a day in that book and sometimes read it over several times.

    (I’m glad you are back to blogging too).

  3. Jackie
    October 1, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    Change of weather – that’s why. We probably feel the pain of sickness from some of our members too. You’re probably suffering from Karlayitis. I suffered from Kerryitis not too long ago also. It took me a while to reconnect with other people. God wants us to move towards something new.

    Last but not least, you miss me from Ladies Bible Study!

    Jackie, I think you hit the rusty nail on the head. Thanks for the insightful input and I DEFINITELY miss you in LBC. Can’t you ditch Monday morning class for a couple of hours. 🙂

  4. jel
    September 30, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Big hugg 🙂

    Thanks jel-and to you too

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