Darkness

How does one adequately describe darkness? I am not referring to being in a room without lights;  or in the stillness of a moonless night.  I am thinking of the darkness that over takes our lives at times, seemingly for no apparent reason and usually without warning.

I am usually very ‘up’ yet lately I have been feeling gloomy and I’m really not sure why. I think it may be weather related. We haven’t had any sunshine to speak of for days, and as silly as it may sound it affects my mood. (We actually have some today)

I fight it and fight it and then I start having a war in my head. I honestly struggle when this weight of (I’ll l call it darkness, because that’s what if feels like) comes over me. I remind myself that I can choose my attitude and the answer comes back basically that I’m choosing the rotten one, defiantly daring the ‘up’ me to a battle.(I know this sounds crazy!)

Most people, including my husband don’t even know when I’m going through this. He may suspect something isn’t quite right as may those who are really close to me, but I dislike this darkness so much that I try really, really hard to keep it hidden.

I call out to God, silently of course, because the calling out in my head is very loud. I want to cry about everything and I don’t, instead I stuff it down, down, down, until the lump in my throat becomes unbearable, then I steal away to another room, let the tears spill out and reappear as if nothing has happened. I ask God repeatedly “why am I feeling like this” and “what is wrong with me”? God loves me and I love him, my marriage is good, my health is good, I have an awesome family, both physical and spiritual, and I don’t have financial stress. I can practically see heads nodding in disbelief, right along with mine…how can I be down when I have so much to be thankful for?

I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint; my heart is like wax; it is melted within my breast. Ps 22:14

Thanks for sharing my burden today, as always I desire your prayers. I know also “This too shall pass.”

Rom 5:1-5 By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us — set us right with him, make us fit for him — we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand — out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.
There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary — we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! THE MESSAGE

Rom 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. NIV

13 comments for “Darkness

  1. jel
    May 24, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    hope you have a very nice week! 😉

  2. Meowmix
    May 24, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Janice, you are often in my thoughts and prayers, and you will continue to be. I, too, am familiar with the darkness. I’m also familiar with the guilt feelings that Christians sometimes grapple with, because we are blessed above all peoples and the what-in-the-world-do-I-have-to-be-sad-about syndrome. I will throw in with Dee here and encourage you to see your doctor. There are some good antidepressants out there, and there is no shame in taking one any more than it’s a shame to take an antibiotic for the flu! In fact, if I wasn’t on one right now, I’d probably be crying at this moment! 🙂

  3. Marilyn
    May 23, 2010 at 6:45 am

    There is a disorder called SAD “Seasonal Affective Disorder” that is brought on in part by lack of sunlight. They sell light banks that you can sit by in the wintertime. Vitamin D3 which your body makes when you are in the sun is really getting a lot of press these days. You are what you eat – or at least what you digest! Physical exercise does LOTS for the body, including fighting stress and depression. God bless.

  4. May 21, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    Going through some darkness right now and I really appreciate John’s comment above. Knowing, in part, the darkness he’s been through, I like the fact that he says he offers no answers. One thing I despise is for people to throw out some scripture (almost always taken out of context) as some trite fix-all that completely ignores the fact of the darkness. I know God is good all the time and I know he has a plan for my life (which is the same plan for anyone else’s life … that we love him with all our hearts, that we believe that he is and that we honor him with our lives) … but the darkness remains.

  5. jel
    May 18, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    hey there other me! (since our names are the same) 😉
    when the sun don’t shine i get to feeling the same!

    there not much that I can add, that the others have said. So I will just send U a flybyhugging ! 🙂

  6. May 18, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    Well, I’ll go one better than saying I go through those times “on occasion” — I’m there with you NOW, Janice! I think part of the danger of the blessing of social media is that it LOOKS like everyone else is having a great time, so what in the world is wrong with us. I’m sure my FB statuses don’t reflect that I have really been struggling lately, as I try not to drag everyone down with me. But as you are so eloquent and genuine, you have now found community in your struggle. And, virutally or no, we all sit together and nod and say, yeah… I get that. And I do.

    Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for joining me in my cave. Thank you for having the courage to say, “I’m hurting today”. Don’t beat yourself up for being down when you don’t feel like you have reason to be. The Lord may need to speak to your aching heart what He couldn’t say to your happy heart. The Lord is with you — He is mighty to save, in the big and small.

    I’m so glad you’re here!

  7. May 18, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Yes, Janice, dark days do come. Sometimes they are not days- but weeks. Sometimes they are only hours. I have no answers … just prayers and love…and to know that when all things are regenerated I trust that the light shining at center square will chase away all the darkness forever.

  8. May 18, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    It sounds to me like, Janice, from someone who knows darkness very well, you need to seek some medical help. I say this as an expert on such things, truly.

    I have suffered from depressions off and on through many years of my life, including the ones brought on by dark, gloomy weather. All that you write today, I have written. I have some really dark poetry that I wrote during some such times.

    I sought help and learned that my problems were physiologically related, not “mental.” That was a huge breakthrough for me to learn the some of the neurons and synapses in my brain were not connecting and firing like they should. This was going on in two different ways and there are excellent medications you can take that will effectively “cure” you. They certainly have me!!

    That’s not to say I don’t have some sort of “down” days and times, because I do. But, nothing like the blackness that used to envelope me repeatedly and insidiously.

    I sought help from a psychologist and then medical doctor to get a prescription for one of the best drugs for this, which also is used for anxiety attacks, which I had, and interestingly as a help for my diabetic neuropathy. I’ve been Cymbalta now for a couple of years and you can ask Tom about the vast difference it has made in me.

    You can even ask Greg, as he and I were already corresponding back then and he definitely saw the blackness in me and urged me to get the help I needed. Thanks to Greg and Tom I DID, at it has been wonderful.

    The blackness crept up on me and lasted through some of the many changes we were making in our lives then. Going through Katrina, me breaking my foot and being laid up for months, moving to a new town, an apartment from a four bedroom house, building a new house, then moving into it (here), and so on. I was so paralyzed by the blackness when we moved in here that I could not even open one box to unpack! Tom had to do it all because I was literally a basket case – everything totally overwhelming me.

    It was some six months after that before I got the help I needed and the medication and my life is totally turned around for good.

    Some things in our lives, Janice, are not spiritual warfares, but physical ones because we are humans. I had been made to feel at times past that I lacked faith or was weak in Christ or in prayer or whatever because of how I was. That made my burdens ever worse, because I fell victim to them and believed them to the detriment of my own spirit.

    I understand completely, dear friend. You are not alone. See medical help and find out what TRULY is at the root of your blackness. I guarantee you, there is something there beyond what may “appear” to be the cause.

    I’m praying with you and for you.

    Dee

  9. Amanda Sanders
    May 18, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Table for 6? 🙂 I am right there with you Dear Janice! I love you and all those who have commented before me.

  10. May 18, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Janice … I have dark moments in my walk too. I often call them “cave” moments, in honor of David. David was told he’d be king, but instead spent a time in his life running for his life. One night, all alone, he found himself in a cave, barely two steps ahead of Saul who wanted to kill him. It must have been a dark time for him. I’m always amazed that when he was in “his cave” he said the things he did (Psalm 57). He chose to worship God instead of question him. And the other things he says are incredible too.

    Hang in there, you are such an encouragement in my life. I’m blessed to call you friend.

    Praying – Trey

  11. May 18, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    i can definitely relate.
    hang in there. God is with you every step.
    a psychologist once told me that May was his busiest and most difficult month, I figured it would have been December.

  12. May 18, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Janice, I know that by sharing your struggles, God is using you to encourage others who are struggling today.

    Father, surround Janice today, letting her feel your presence and your peace. In Jesus’ Name, Amen

    Grace and peace,
    Tim Archer

  13. May 18, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Janice,
    I’ve prayed for you and will continue to do so. I have the dark moments, too. I think we all do at times. Hang in there. I’m proud of you and your ability to write and encourage others. We’ll get through this because we’re together and we have Jesus. 🙂

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