How does one adequately describe darkness? I am not referring to being in a room without lights; or in the stillness of a moonless night. I am thinking of the darkness that over takes our lives at times, seemingly for no apparent reason and usually without warning.
I am usually very ‘up’ yet lately I have been feeling gloomy and I’m really not sure why. I think it may be weather related. We haven’t had any sunshine to speak of for days, and as silly as it may sound it affects my mood. (We actually have some today)
I fight it and fight it and then I start having a war in my head. I honestly struggle when this weight of (I’ll l call it darkness, because that’s what if feels like) comes over me. I remind myself that I can choose my attitude and the answer comes back basically that I’m choosing the rotten one, defiantly daring the ‘up’ me to a battle.(I know this sounds crazy!)
Most people, including my husband don’t even know when I’m going through this. He may suspect something isn’t quite right as may those who are really close to me, but I dislike this darkness so much that I try really, really hard to keep it hidden.
I call out to God, silently of course, because the calling out in my head is very loud. I want to cry about everything and I don’t, instead I stuff it down, down, down, until the lump in my throat becomes unbearable, then I steal away to another room, let the tears spill out and reappear as if nothing has happened. I ask God repeatedly “why am I feeling like this” and “what is wrong with me”? God loves me and I love him, my marriage is good, my health is good, I have an awesome family, both physical and spiritual, and I don’t have financial stress. I can practically see heads nodding in disbelief, right along with mine…how can I be down when I have so much to be thankful for?
I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint; my heart is like wax; it is melted within my breast. Ps 22:14
Thanks for sharing my burden today, as always I desire your prayers. I know also “This too shall pass.”
Rom 5:1-5 By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us — set us right with him, make us fit for him — we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand — out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.
There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary — we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! THE MESSAGE
Rom 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. NIV