I tend to get my dates mixed up at times. I was telling someone the other day that next month I will have been blogging for one year. After looking at my files I realized it was March 6th that actually marked my first year of blogging. I am rather surprised that I have been doing this for a year, and have actually thought about giving it up; still, I feel the urge to continue on. Many memories have been jogged from my past and today and tomorrow I will share a couple of my posts from last year and you will understand why I am calling today’s post Looking Back and Amazing Grace. I am still surprised sometimes when I recall the “historical” me and the “present” me. The historical me had an explosive temper.
I have made so many new friends since I begin blogging, some I have had the pleasure of meeting in person and others, support and encourage me on a daily basis. All of you are near and dear to my heart and I thank you for your friendship and loyalty. You have blessed me in so many ways. Now on to a little bit of history…
If my anger had been an earthquake it would have been off the charts and the area declared a disaster zone. I was five months shy of my 16th birthday, already married, with a 3 month old baby. I had serious anger issues and this particular day there was no holding back.
We were fighting; again…The next thing I remember was looking at broken glass all over our tiny apartment. We didn’t have much and I had just destroyed most of what we had. I stormed out of the apartment and left my 18 year old husband shocked and in a daze at what he had just witnessed.
I was insecure and jealous, he had just told me he had to work late and I didn’t believe him. I flew down the stairs to the parking lot, jumped in his 58 Ford and kicked the dash in.
My cheeks blush with shame as I recall that out-of-control 15 year old wife and mother. It is only by the grace of God that I’m not sitting in a prison cell.
That was 45 years ago and only the beginning of my spiraling out of control. To make a long story short, that marriage lasted 16 years and ended in divorce.
My anger was deep rooted from a childhood filled with confusion and sexual abuse. In those days things were kept hidden. I had stuffed years of anger into my wounded soul and suddenly it spilled over and it seemed there was no turning back.
Last night in our Thursday evening get-together, after looking at some of the parables we started talking about anger. Our group has been meeting close to three years. We share a bond that is indescribable and they know just about all the ‘ugly’ stuff there is to know about me. The fact that they still love me is AMAZING. Someone asked me how I learned to control my anger. I answered that I was so afraid of my anger, so afraid of going to jail that I made up my mind I had to stop my explosive outbursts. I was truly afraid of killing someone or hurting my children.
It didn’t happen overnight and I had help along the way. God is an amazing God and he has put some incredible people in my life.
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. Prov 29:11
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
The African proverb is chillingly true: “When the elephants fight, it’s the grass that suffers.”