As mentioned yesterday, here is part two of Looking Back and Amazing Grace.

I love to cook although it didn’t start out that way. If you’ve been following you know I was a child bride. I had to learn many things by trial and error and cooking was a big one. The Monterey County Clerks Office mailed me the first cookbook I ever owned. It was titled “The Bride’s Cookbook” and had perhaps 50 pages of advice and recipes. I decided to try cooking a pot of pinto beans. Let me tell you, I LOVE beans! I had never made them so I used my brand new cookbook. The recipe called for 3 teaspoons of Chili Powder and I misread and added 3 heaping tablespoons. I’m not sure what else I did wrong; needless to say the beans were not edible. For some reason that cooking blunder didn’t bother me too much, the next one however is a different story.

I decided I would bake a Walnut Glory Cake. I had picked up another cookbook at the supermarket. Pillsbury Bake-Off Winning Recipes (or something like that). The recipe called for ingredients that I really couldn’t afford; on the other hand I was eager to cook some nice meals and desserts. The recipe called for 9 egg whites and to use almost a dozen eggs for one cake was living a little high-on-the-hog.

It happened like this…I turned on my old radio that I’d had since I was nine. Set out my ingredients, turned the oven on and went to work. The baby was sleeping and all was good. My old angle food cake pan was the kind that the center lifted out of, so in the back of my mind I kept reminding myself “not to pick the pan up by the middle when it was time to put it in the oven”. Mind you, I didn’t even own so much as a hand mixer and had I known more about cooking I would NEVER have tried this particular cake. Remember those 9 egg whites? Well they had to be beaten until very stiff peaks formed. Yep, that’s right, with fork in hand I whipped those non-submissive egg whites until I thought my arm would drop off. It must have taken the better part of an hour, and finally they were starting to take on some shape. Feeling oh so proud and hopeful I finished with the egg whites and completed the recipe. I poured the batter into my ungreased cake pan, licked the spatula and picked the cake up to put it in the oven.

As soon as I took hold of that pan things went down hill. After all of my self- reminders…I did it…I picked that pan up by the middle and the cake batter crept all over the kitchen counter, down the sides of the cabinet and onto the floor. I was beside myself. Frantically I tried catching all I could and finally realizing the despair of it all I just exploded!! I was in disbelief… Crying uncontrollably I grabbed a hammer and smashed that pan flatter than a pancake and I didn’t stop there, I beat my old plastic radio to smithereens too. I think that hurt me worse than anything. I loved that old radio. It had been a constant companion to me. I dumped the whole mess into paper bags and hauled it out to the garbage. My kitchen looked like it had just seen a Saturday night brawl.

Cleaning up the atrocious mess was a hard lesson learned. I began to realize consequences come with unchecked anger. My old plastic radio had been given to me from my Sunday school classmates at the age of nine when I was stricken with Rheumatic Fever and it held a lot of memories for me. I had listened to it for hours on end. What had I done???

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:19-21  

I tend to get my dates mixed up at times. I was telling someone the other day that next month I will have been blogging for one year. After looking at my files I realized it was March 6^th that actually marked my first year of blogging. I am rather surprised that I have been doing this for a year, and have actually thought about giving it up; still, I feel the urge to continue on. Many memories have been jogged from my past and today and tomorrow I will share a couple of my posts from last year and you will understand why I am calling today’s post Looking Back and Amazing Grace. I am still surprised sometimes when I recall the “historical” me and the “present” me. The historical me had an explosive temper.

I have made so many new friends since I begin blogging, some I have had the pleasure of meeting in person and others, support and encourage me on a daily basis. All of you are near and dear to my heart and I thank you for your friendship and loyalty. You have blessed me in so many ways. Now on to a little bit of history…

If my anger had been an earthquake it would have been off the charts and the area declared a disaster zone. I was five months shy of my 16^th birthday, already married, with a 3 month old baby. I had serious anger issues and this particular day there was no holding back.

 We were fighting; again…The next thing I remember was looking at broken glass all over our tiny apartment. We didn’t have much and I had just destroyed most of what we had. I stormed out of the apartment and left my 18 year old husband shocked and in a daze at what he had just witnessed.

 I was insecure and jealous, he had just told me he had to work late and I didn’t believe him. I flew down the stairs to the parking lot, jumped in his 58 Ford and kicked the dash in.

 My cheeks blush with shame as I recall that out-of-control 15 year old wife and mother. It is only by the grace of God that I’m not sitting in a prison cell.

 That was 45 years ago and only the beginning of my spiraling out of control. To make a long story short, that marriage lasted 16 years and ended in divorce.

 My anger was deep rooted from a childhood filled with confusion and sexual abuse. In those days things were kept hidden. I had stuffed years of anger into my wounded soul and suddenly it spilled over and it seemed there was no turning back.

 Last night in our Thursday evening get-together, after looking at some of the parables we started talking about anger. Our group has been meeting close to three years. We share a bond that is indescribable and they know just about all the ‘ugly’ stuff there is to know about me. The fact that they still love me is AMAZING. Someone asked me how I learned to control my anger. I answered that I was so afraid of my anger, so afraid of going to jail that I made up my mind I had to stop my explosive outbursts. I was truly afraid of killing someone or hurting my children.

 It didn’t happen overnight and I had help along the way. God is an amazing God and he has put some incredible people in my life.

 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. Prov 29:11

 Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
James 1:19-21

 The African proverb is chillingly true: “When the elephants fight, it’s the grass that suffers.”

What a marvelous week at the Tulsa Workshop. I was able to attend Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Larry was with me Wednesday and Friday and Karla was with me all three days. It was exciting meeting many of my blogger friends, seeing some old friends and making new ones. I heard wonderful teaching from gifted speakers and the singing, well, let me just say was truly indescribable. I believe it was Keith Lancaster who commented after one song “this is what heaven will sound like”. It just gave me chills and weak knees, it was that beautiful.

I met Greg and Amanda Sanders, Paula Harrington, John and Maggy Dobbs, Trey and Lea Morgan and two of their sons, Patrick Mead, Brian Nicklaus, Doug Young, James Jones, Darin Hamm, Trent Tanaro, Steve Tucker, Timothy Archer, Chris Gallagher, Carl Feril and his wife, (I knew I would forget a name, sorry!) Bobby and Tamie Ross, Terry Rush, Jennifer Alpers and Edward Fudge. (I really hope I haven’t forgotten anyone).

I heard lessons from Trey Morgan, Patrick Mead, John Dobbs, Jeff Walling, Terry Rush, Josh Graves, Marvin Phillips, Don McLaughlin and Al Maxey and music Master’s Praise Vocal Group and Keith Lancaster-Praise and Worship.

Friday evening several of us had dinner together at the Spaghetti Warehouse and had a great time visiting together. This was my first time at the Tulsa Workshop. Many years ago I attended some of the Pepperdine Lectureships, it is an event I definitely want to attend again.

One thing I realized is how blessed our congregation is here in Skiatook. Russell Hill is our minister and he is an excellent speaker/teacher. He brings us amazing lessons week after week, not only from the pulpit but in the classroom as well. I thank God for him and his family and realized we are so fortunate to have them with us.

Thanks for letting me share with you what a wonderful week I had.

1 John 1:3-4 We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete.

As you know I am attending the Tulsa Workshop this week. I am being blessed by the lessons and the wonderful people I am meeting.

This devotional speaks to my heart. I don’t think I grumble a lot and usually when I do it is about the weather. I resolve to quit grumbling and be thankful for whatever God sends my way.

Let thankfulness temper all your thoughts. A thankful mind-set keeps you in touch with Me. I hate it when My children grumble, casually despising My sovereignty. Thankfulness is a safeguard against this deadly sin Furthermore, a grateful attitude becomes a grid through which you perceive life. Gratitude enables you to see the Light of My Presence shining on all your circumstances. Cultivate a thankful heart, for this glorifies Me and fills you with Joy

1 Corinthians 10:10; Hebrews 12:28-29

(from Jesus Calling, Devotiions for Every Day of the Year by Sharon Young)

I’m off to the dentist for my semi-annual cleaning in just a few minutes. This is a busy week for us so today and probably the rest of the week I will share devotionals with you in place of my regular posts.

Let Me show you My way for you this day. I guide you continually, so you can relax and enjoy My Presence in the present. Living well is both a discipline and an art. Concentrate on staying close to Me, the divine Artist. Discipline your thoughts to trust Me as I work My ways in your life. Pray about everything; then, leave outcomes up to Me. Do not fear My will, for through it I accomplish what is best for you. Take a deep breath and dive into the depths of absolute trust in Me. Underneath are the everlasting arms!

Psalm 5:2-3; Deuteronomy 33:27

Ps 5:3 In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

It is a beautiful sunny day with a predicted high of 72°.

I feel energized and endorphinized. Ok, so that’s not really a word; but hey, my endorphins are working overtime and that’s a good thing. I am excited about the upcoming Tulsa Workshop and looking forward to hearing some great lessons, singing, classes, and meeting a lot of my blogger friends and their families. This year will be my first time attending the Tulsa Workshop and from what I’ve been told; I am in for a real treat.

What an honor we have in calling on God, not only in the morning as the above verse from Psalms mentions, but we can call on God any hour of the day. We can start our day giving thanks and honor to God. We can ask for safety from any harm, to help us overcome temptations, we can ask for guidance, mercy and justice. We don’t know what any day will bring for sure, but we can be certain that we can take our requests and cares to God.

Sometimes I feel like I can compare my prayer life to a jigsaw puzzle. I have seasons of discipline and seasons of chaos. At times I feel like I pray without ceasing and other times I don’t remember praying. I am determined to make prayer a natural part of my life, and by natural I mean that if I don’t pray, then I will know immediately something is missing and needs my immediate attention.

Russell, in his sermon Sunday after reading Mt 11:28-30, commented that “weakness is not because I’m in the battle but because I’m not drawing near to God-if we’re not praying we are going to lose the battle”. That is sticking with me, jabbing my conscience and encouraging me.

Prov 13:19 A longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul.

I have noticed with myself and others that it seems as if our faith is unshakable when things are running smoothly, when there is enough money to pay the bills and maintain a household, when our health is good and when everything seems to be blue skies and sunshine. We can be God’s biggest fans when things are going the way we think they should be. What happens then when the applecart is upset?

There have been periods in my life when hardships and anguish have made me feel like throwing my hands up and saying what’s the use, or I quit, or I just can’t do this anymore. (If we were in the same room I would ask for a show of hands to see if any of you have ever felt like this). I believe losing confidence comes from a combination of discouragement, a faith that isn’t as strong as we thought it was, or unbelief. It can strike all ages and all levels of faith; to the new babe in Christ or the weathered mature soldier; and when those times come, I can imagine Satan standing off to the side doing a victory dance waiting for us to throw in the towel. Why do we suddenly shrink back from God when we should be drawing near? Satan knows our weak areas, he watches for that crack in our armor and he doesn’t waste anytime moving in and fueling our fears.

The writer of Hebrews encourages us against this act of giving up under hardships and trials. Heb 10:35-39 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, “He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.” But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.

How do we keep from shrinking back? We exercise endurance (Heb 12:1) by practicing God’s will and trusting his promises.

When thoughts are consumed by the heaviness of our troubles, when it seems difficult to even draw our breath, we can be in danger of losing our focus, yet that is when we need to turn to God, lean on him and to draw on his strength, and that is exactly what he wants us to do.

Remember this when we fight our battles…Rom 8:31-32 What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

I enjoy gifts; I like the anticipation and the excitement of both giving and receiving. God gives us gifts, physical and spiritual ones. When I receive a gift it immediately becomes one of my treasures. I don’t require expensive things to make me happy, I am thankful for the love, thought, or appreciation from the giver. I can look around my home at the various gifts given to me over the years and each one brings me a memory of the giver and the occasion. It really is quite nice!

I especially love giving unexpected gifts too, I like watching the smile that lights up the recipients face, the widening of their eyes and the childlike excitement of a surprise.

When I think of the song “Count Your Many Blessings, Name Them One by One”, I realize I can’t even begin naming them because they are so abundant. I have had to discipline myself in my prayer life over the years. I realized that too often I prayed for someone or some situation and didn’t take time to really pray a prayer of thanksgiving.

Consider these physical gifts from God: Food and clothing – Mt 6:25, Rain and fruitful seasons – Gen 8:22, Gen 27:28, Lev 26:4;5, Isa 40:23, Wisdom – 2 Chron 1:12, Peace – Lev 26:6, Jn 14:27, Gifts to be used and enjoyed – Eccl 3:13, Eccl 5:19-20, 1 Tim 4:4-5, Gifts which should cause us to remember God – Deut 8:18, Job 36:34, Job 37:23  All creatures partake of God’s gifts – Ps 136:25, Ps 145:15-16, and it’s okay to pray for his gifts – Zech 10:1, Matt 6:11.

These passages show some of our spiritual gifts: Rom 12:6-8, Rom 12:7, Eph 4:11, 1 Cor 12:28

God blesses us beyond measure, take time with me today to remember the many gifts he has blessed us with and especially the gift of his son.

Ps 9:1-2 I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.

I was in a very crowded place (it looked like a college campus) and I seemed to know a lot of people and was having a reunion of sorts when a very tall man who I apparently knew of, but didn’t really know asked me to come to his office. I agreed and we walked up a few stairs which took us inside a very large and medieval looking building. We then walked up three more sets of stairs. I guess this might be a good time to mention that I do not like stairs, and especially not heights. I followed him and seemed to have complete trust in him. After the third set of stairs he suddenly disappeared and so did the stairs. All I could see after that were the railings but no stairs. Although I could no longer see him, I could hear him and he persistently urged me to follow him the rest of the way, which in my estimation was another four or five feet straight up. I questioned him how I was supposed to get there and he didn’t answer me, just kept insisting I come up to where he was. I started to panic, I didn’t want to refuse him yet I knew I wasn’t going to suddenly sprout wings either. I kept telling him I couldn’t get there and he became angry and started calling me names and insulting me. Thankfully that’s when I woke up! This is what I dreamed last night and it is still nagging me this morning and it is what prompted me to write about courage.

Am I living a life of courage? I admit at times I’m like Peter when he was walking on the water, when the wind came up he became scared and started to sink. It isn’t always easy to be courageous when troubles and difficulties are pressing down, yet for me that is when I really need to press forward. Over and over Christ encourages his disciples (and us) to be of good cheer, don’t be afraid, “it is I”.

If only I would always remember these words from Rom 8:35-39 Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.  None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing — nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable — absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. (from THE MESSAGE)

I am ever thankful that I can always go to my bible and read great stories of courage, promises and hope.

Examples of Courage-  
Abraham leaving his country- Gen 12:1
In offering Isaac- Gen 22:1-12
Gideon, in destroying the altar of Baal- Judges 6:25-29
Ezra, in undertaking the dangerous journey from Babylon to Palestine without a guard Ezra 8:22-23
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego who refused to bow down to the image of Nebuchadnezzar Daniel 3:16-18
Daniel, persisting in prayer regardless of the decree against praying Daniel 6:10
Peter and John, in refusing to obey men, rather than God Acts 4:19-20

When I read those accounts of courage my own “storms” suddenly seem so very small.

Give us grace, O God, to do the deed which we will know cries to be done. Let us not hesitate because of ease, or the words of men’s mouths, or our own lives. Mighty causes are calling us. . . . But they call with voices that mean work and sacrifice and death. Mercifully grant us, O God, the spirit of Esther, that we say, “I will go unto the King and if I perish, I perish.” Amen. (from 1001 Quotes, Illustrations)

Yesterday and today are busy, busy, so once I again I am sharing an article from my daily devotional.

Do everything in dependence on Me. The desire to act independently-apart from Me-springs from the root of pride. Self-sufficiency is subtle, insinuating its way into your thoughts and actions without your realizing it. But apart from Me, you can do nothing: that is, nothing of eternal value. My deepest desire for you is that you learn to depend on Me in every situation. I move heaven and earth to accomplish this purpose, but you must collaborate with Me in this training. Teaching you would be simple if I negated your free will or overwhelmed you with My Power. However, I love you too much to withdraw the godlike privilege I bestowed on you as My image-bearer. Use your freedom wisely, by relying on Me constantly. Thus you enjoy My Presence and My Peace.