Someone I love with all my heart is experiencing some of the worst trials of their lives and it’s breaking my heart. It is also causing me to do some serious looking within. I feel frustrated and helpless; I am knocking at God’s door as did the persistent widow. I am looking for answered prayers and if they are being answered I’m not recognizing the answers. I’m on the brink of being angry with God and then I am washed in guilt and ask myself, “how dare I be angry with God” and I wait almost rebelliously for him to discipline me. My heart aches, I weep silently, and I am ashamed.
I read in 1 Peter 1 of some of the things I know will come to pass because of Gods great mercy. Having been born of a new birth into a living hope, I have an inheritance that will never decay, which is kept in heaven for me, and by way of my faith is shielded by God’s power. This makes me feel great…but then I read that “though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.” WHAT?? WHY?? These have come so that your faith — of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire — may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
In the middle of my turmoil, I’m now beyond knocking, I’m beating on God’s door and Satan is beating on mine. I began wondering…is my faith genuine? The battle is on and then the Spirit directs me to James 1:6-8 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
Am I double-minded and unstable in all that I do? Satan would have me believe that I am!
Yes I am hurting, yes I am scared and yes I have wavered, but I have turned to God, I choose to believe, I choose to trust him with all things. I know full well that things may not be resolved the way I’m praying for. Will I understand? No, I won’t, Will it be easy? Probably not! But I will trust God.
Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him. Job 13:15
Those of you who know me understand that if I could share with you what it going on that I would. Perhaps at a later time I will be able to. At this moment it is for the safety of those I love that I cannot. Please pray for all involved, God knows who they are.