Searching For Answers

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Eph 5:23-24

Married couples often have things come along which they have different opinions of, but what about when it goes beyond opinion and you want a scriptural answer?

All of you who know me know that I adore my husband and I honor his God given position as stated in the above verse. Yet I struggle with one thing which we have had many discussions about in our almost 30 years of marriage. In this one area we are opposites, so I would love to have some honest feedback from men and women with a scriptural point of view on what I’m going to share with you today. And obviously, I’m not going behind his back since I’m putting it out here in black and white. 🙂

Larry has always been excellent with planning and sticking to a budget and he has taught me well the importance of maintaining a budget. This is where we differ though. I guess I am unrealistic when it comes to helping others financially. I tend to want to “give the store away”; while he will ponder and then decide on an amount, usually the amount is on a much smaller scale than I had in mind. Let me be perfectly clear, he doesn’t wrestle with giving and he doesn’t mind helping people out. We just look at it in different numbers. He admits that he is frugal and that is something he has struggled with, although he has made big changes in a positive way. (I too have made great progress in “tightening the belt”)

Change is hard no matter what side of the fence you are on. It would be very difficult for me to be frugal the same way he is and equally difficult for him to be as free as I am willing to be.

Here is my struggle. If I sincerely feel God has laid something on my heart to help someone financially and Larry is not in agreement, what do I do with this? Sometimes I feel like I am disobeying God to submit to  my husband. If I strongly feel a responsibility to help someone out and he doesn’t….what do I do??? I know I am to obey God above any and everyone, yet I don’t think I should go behind Larry’s back either. I want to be the wife God expects me to be.

I have given this to God, he knows my heart and he knows Larry’s heart. During some of our discussions over this I have shared that I trust God and that if we run short on money I completely believe that God will provide for us. He believes this too, but his makeup is to provide for his family, and I understand that too. God has laid the responsibility on a mans heart to provide for his family.

It’s not always easy to share things of a personal nature. If it’s just about me, you know well my life is an open book. I am much more cautious when it involves others. Please let me stress again, I am not putting my husband down at all and pray that it will not be interpreted as so.

I would really appreciate feedback on this delicate situation and perhaps I can be encouraged with a different view than the one I have.

3 comments for “Searching For Answers

  1. September 26, 2009 at 8:59 pm


    I’m not sure I can give a lot of advice from an experience standpoint. Lea is the saver in the family and I am the spender. Over time we’ve learned to compromise in that she’s given up a little on her saving and I’ve given up a lot on my spending 🙂

    But when it comes to our giving we’ve always agreed on how much we give. If anything she’s always willing to give more than I am.

    I think communication is still the best thing between a husband and a wife and some how there must be some compromise.

    Sorry I’m not more help.

    Hey Trey, no apologies necessary. I really appreicate the feedback and I agree with all the comments that communication is the best thing, (which we do have). We have made progress so we shall continue ironing out the details. Thanks so much for your input.

  2. September 26, 2009 at 7:52 am

    I can’t comment on the husband/wife aspect of this, but I do know that any kind of team that shares a budget must be in agreement and each equally informed. I think you and Larry have a good balance. I am a free-hearted, giving spirit, like you. Or I would be if I had anything to give at this point. And that’s where the balance of Larry’s mindset would enter. Prudence must play a part.

    Hi Judy, I always appreciate your thoughts and words of wisdom. Thank you!!

  3. September 25, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    Honestly, it sounds to me like you have a healthy means of dealing with this. You tend to compromise so that good is done. If you feel strongly that God is putting it on your heart to give and Larry doesn’t share that feeling and there is no compromise, then it may be a time of “being still” on the matter. Men do come from a far more analytical position on things when it comes to providing. Some of my greater struggles in our marriage were when I was in grad school and could not provide like I wanted to do.

    One of the things that you are probably running up against is a method of conflict resolution. If you both try to resolve the conflict by taking positions (You want to help with $$$ and Larry doesn’t want to give that much) then you simply cannot resolve a conflict from positions. You have to move off the positions and find the common ground that fuels each position and there … in the common grounds … you will find at least some suggested solutions. Try to stay off positions in conflict and focus on mutual interests and understanding why each of you maintains that position. Often you’ll find that both of you have the very same interests!

    Conflict is resolved (so that relationship can be maintained and even strengthened) from an understanding of interests, and never from one position finally winning over the other position.

    Greg, thank you so much for your advice and words of wisdom. Sometimes I forget to “be still”. Undoubtedly I can honor both God and my husband, and that is my strongest desire.

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