My depression was at an all time low. I could feel it taste it, smell it, and I realized this is what I had often heard about. I knew I had reached ‘IT’… Rock Bottom.

The years of sexual abuse, years of being a battered wife, years of being betrayed, years of having my self-esteem destroyed by others had all taken its toll on me, physically and mentally. To make matters worse, I added to my own misery. In my need to “get even”, to validate my anger and hurt; I became the betrayer, I threw out what conscience I had left. I began acting and living exactly the way I had been treated. If vile was what they wanted, vile is what they were going to get. I could out drink, out cuss and out drug the best of them. Toe to toe, leader of the pack. My attitude was much like…don’t mess with me…or “go ahead and make my day”!!  Not surprisingly; I had to keep my senses dulled with the drugs and alcohol to maintain that disgraceful condition.

Sad to say; I remained in that loathsome condition far too many years.

 I knew it was over when all I wanted to do was die. I tried to think of the few who I thought my death might matter to, yet that only made my pain more unbearable. Not physical pain, rather gut wrenching-brokenhearted, self-loathing pain. I could barley hold my head up, and as the Psalmist wrote; my bed was wet with my own tears.

I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. Psalm 6:6

I couldn’t bear the thought of another hang-over, another day of being entirely consumed with and consuming drugs. Tequila was my choice of drink and Cocaine and Marijuana were my choice of drugs. They were my choices, but I certainly didn’t limit myself to them. Addiction has no dignity.  I couldn’t bear another day of being betrayed, and being the betrayer.

There was no planning, no elaborate departure, it would be simple and I hoped painless. I had a bottle of 300 hundred aspirins. I poured myself a glass of water and emptied the bottle, one handful after another until I swallowed all of them. My eyes were red and swollen from crying. I lay down on my bed and went to sleep, fully expecting to be successful in the attempt to end my life.

I don’t know how many hours passed before I woke up. My ears were ringing beyond description and I could barely function, yet I realized…I was alive and more importantly, I realized I wanted to live. I don’t know how I managed to drive myself to the doctor’s office. They took one look at me, took me to the back and called an ambulance. At the hospital my stomach was pumped, (that’s a horrible experience) I was transferred to the Psychiatric Ward and put under suicide watch. After spending less than 72 hours there, it was determined I could be released on the condition I had to attend outpatient therapy.

This chapter of my life took place in the 70′s. I had so much to learn, if you recall from previous posts, I was pregnant and married at 15 and at the time of this incident I was in my early 20′s and had two children. It would be another 8-9 years before I gave up the drugs and alcohol and before I divorced. When I finally quit, I quit cold turkey and never drank or used again.(I did remarry again, and I’ll share that another time.)

A short time later (after giving up the drugs and alcohol) one of my brothers and his friends from where he attended church began visiting with me, encouraging me and teaching me. I was quite resistant and rebellious at first. I really had very little bible knowledge, although I had been baptized when I was nine. God had other plans for me and love began to heal my extremely wounded soul. The Amazing, Wonderful, Love of my God, my Abba!!

I share this in the hopes that if anyone ever finds themselves in a similar situation, I beg you to reach out to someone. You will be amazed at the people who truly care and who are willing to help. My life has completely changed and I give all the glory to God. He put people in my life who taught me, encouraged me and loved me. Where there is a breath in your soul, there is hope and even if you haven’t found it yet, there is love. God’s love is beyond our ability of understanding, and it is available to all.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jer 29:11-13

Many Americans are joining others today in organized tea parties. People are getting fed up with the decline of leadership in this great country we live in. None of us like being taxed unfairly. Let me say upfront, I’m not a historian, nor am I a bible scholar. I was however curious what scripture has to say about taxes. It seems they have been around for a very long time, although for a nobler cause.

Consider the scriptures below. The first one was from the Lord to Moses; it was an “atonement for your lives.”

Ex 30:11-16 Then the Lord said to Moses, “When you take a census of the Israelites to count them, each one must pay the Lord a ransom for his life at the time he is counted. Then no plague will come on them when you number them. Each one who crosses over to those already counted is to give a half shekel, according to the sanctuary shekel, which weighs twenty gerahs. This half shekel is an offering to the Lord. All who cross over, those twenty years old or more, are to give an offering to the Lord. The rich are not to give more than a half shekel and the poor are not to give less when you make the offering to the Lord to atone for your lives.  Receive the atonement money from the Israelites and use it for the service of the Tent of Meeting. It will be a memorial for the Israelites before the Lord, making atonement for your lives.” (Underlines mine.)

Other scriptures such as 2 Chron 24:9, Dan 11:20, 2 Kings 12:4-5, and Matt 17:24-27 speak of taxes and the purpose for them at that time.

I think so much of the frustration felt by many of us today can be connected to the following verses. The Pharisees were trying to trick Jesus when they asked him the following question in -Matt 22:17 tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?”  Jesus answers in Matt 22:21 Then he said to them, “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s.”

What is due Caesar? Or now, our Government?  Honor, Obedience, Praise? I can almost hear you…and yes, it is hard, if not impossible, to honor liars, cheaters and deceitful men and women. I will even go so far as to say it goes against my conscience to honor a person like that. However, we are told to obey the laws of the land. Rom 13:7 Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.

We have allowed calluses to grow on our hearts. We have allowed ourselves to be taxed and have stayed silent on too many issues which go against God’s plans for us. It is truly mind boggling when you stop and consider all of the items for which we are taxed. I shudder when I consider how some of the money from taxes we pay is being used.

Government wants to tell us it’s acceptable to kill unborn babies, to marry with the same sex; they want to tell us where we can pray and are even considering controlling our thermostats. Our voices are being silenced and we have allowed them to be silenced too long. Perhaps this tea party is just a beginning, perhaps we will start standing up for Jesus and the freedom we have in him.

Ok, I’m drifting and may start rambling, so before I get started…I think I’ll enjoy a cup of tea…..

Acts 5:29-30 “We must obey God rather than men!

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. Matt 5:44-45

I have had many discussions on prayer and have heard as many lessons. Still… at times I experience difficulty praying, especially praying for my enemies.

I don’t like admitting this, but more than once when praying for an enemy I prayed that God would just “take that person out”. I was so angry, so upset over the pain that person had caused me and my loved ones, that instead of asking God to soften their heart, to open their eyes, recognize their sin and to repent, I just asked him to take them on to their reward. I surmised their reward would not be good. As a matter of fact… I prayed it would not be good. I wanted  vengeance and I wanted God to do it my way!

Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. Rom 12:19

When I came to my senses, I changed my prayer and I asked to be forgiven. Thinking back, that wasn’t the first time I prayed like that. For me, it derived from not knowing how to handle threatening and hurtful situations. As I think about it, it also came from immaturity and not trusting God the way I should. How easy it is to forget that God knows my every emotion, every smile, every tear, each moment of happiness, each moment of anger and disappointment, and through it all, promises not to give me more than I can bear without providing a way of escape. Oh, that I learn to remember that promise.

Barnes explains it like this…Love of complacency (approving of conduct) and love of benevolence (disapproving of conduct-yet wishing the person well).  We may be accustomed to hearing it as ….Hate the sin, love the sinner.

I press on…My Abba…mold me evermore into your image; create in me a pure heart.

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Rom 12:20-21

Last night I watched a Chevy commercial and amid the music and pickup trucks the announcer shouted- “You know what America needs? We need a comeback”! What he was really saying is that Chevy needs a comeback.

Immediately my mind drifted from the commercial and I replaced his words with, “Christianity needs a comeback“.

This country was founded on Christian Principles. God created us be his children, to live out the examples Jesus lived and taught.

The Old Testament is filled with examples of following God and leaving God, turning back to God and leaving him again. It’s sad but true-history repeats itself. Even Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 1:9 “there is nothing new under the sun”

Consider the following from the author on the introduction to the book of Amos:

Amos was sent to announce God’s judgment on the northern kingdom (Israel). Amos declared that God was going to judge his unfaithful, disobedient, covenant-breaking people. God’s imminent judgment on Israel would not be a mere punitive blow to warn, (as often before; see 4:6-11 and note), but an almost total destruction. Because they had not consecrated themselves to his lordship, God would uproot his chosen people by the hands of a pagan nation. Even so, if they would repent, there was hope that “the Lord God Almighty (would or’ perhaps’) have mercy on the remnant” (5:15; see 5:4-6,14). In fact, the Lord had a glorious future for his people, beyond the impending judgment.

As a nation we have enjoyed prosperity for so long I fear we have become complacent. We have kept silent when we should have been bold. We have in a sense began to act like Israel-who thought performance of the rites was all God required, and with that done, they could do whatever they pleased-an essentially pagan notion.

Are WE ignoring God? Are we so satisfied with our lives, our comforts that we turn our faces away from the evil in this great land we live in? Are we willing to flush our beliefs down the toilet to be “politically correct”? It’s way past time for us to take some personal inventory.

Amos 5:15 Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts. Perhaps the Lord God Almighty will have mercy on the remnant of Joseph.

Consider some of their transgression- they had turned to idols, they perverted justice among themselves, they exploited the poor, they persecuted God’s faithful people and the list goes on. (Do any of these sound familiar in our daily news)?

I pray; let us all examine ourselves with God’s word. Let us look for the areas in our lives where we have become complacent and let us be willing to return in repentance to Abba’s outstretched, longing and loving arms. I encourage you to read the book of Amos and all of Romans chapter 12. And above that to read your bible daily.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Rom 12:9-13

I’ve been lazy today. I slept really well last night and woke up feeling great. I used to sleep like a log when I was younger. The last few years though, it’s hit and misses which is most frustrating. I’ve always been told that the older you get those nights of good sleep are less frequent. Seems to be some truth in it.

I’m a definite morning person. I enjoy getting up early, usually around 6:30am. Sometimes I sleep until 7:30am, that’s my limit. For almost 30 years I got up at 5am. That’s not going to happen now that I’ve retired unless I have to catch a plane or am going on a day trip with my husband.

Yesterday Russell drove a few of us to Miami, OK on the church bus to attend the funeral for Betty, Karla’s mom. You may recall I wrote about her on March 31^st.  She fought the good fight and now she has gone on to her reward. The service was lovely. The family was surrounded by many friends. The music was awesome, a soloist sang a few songs and the pre-recorded music ranged from Amazing Grace to Back in Baby’s Arms by Patsy Cline. It was all very touching. There was also a great presentation of pictures of her.

The weather was a mixed bag, typical for Oklahoma. Temps reached the low 80′s. On the way home dark clouds started rolling in, the wind whipped up and it rained and hailed. Some of the hail was golf ball size. Lightening streaked through the sky, it was all quite awesome.

Although I was born in Oklahoma I became a California transplant in the early 60′s. Larry and I moved back to Oklahoma in 2005, so I had to get used to the weather all over again. I can assure you, there is no comparison in the weather between CA and OK. I love Oklahoma weather, we actually have seasons. My favorite part though is the thunder and lightening shows. I kid you not; my mind goes straight to Abba during those storms. I am awe struck. It seems a huge reminder of WHO he is, and what he can do. “He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him.” Luke 8:2 Today the high is only supposed to reach 58 and as I write this it is only 46. Welcome to Oklahoma!

Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. James 5:13

Will Rogers once quipped, “If you don’t like the weather in Oklahoma, wait a minute and it’ll change.”

Name Calling

NAME – A label or designation that sets one person apart from another

I’m wondering, are little children mean or just speaking the truth in innocence?

I’m recalling things I heard on the playground as a young child and things I still hear today on occasion from younger children and sometimes teens. Hurtful things like, stupid, dummy, fatty-fatty-2×4-can’t get through the bathroom door, pimple face, string bean, buck tooth. I’m sure the list is endless and much more hurtful than the ones I have mentioned.

It’s hard to forget when the name calling is directed at you. Carelessly said words can stay with a person a life time, damaging ones self-esteem. Scarring ones inner-being, setting off anger and causing distrust.

My name Janice, a variant of Jane, means Gods Gracious Gift. I think that’s pretty awesome. Even more awesome is how we as Christians are referred to in the bible. Righteous, disciple, heirs, chosen, servant, (yes, being a servant is a good thing), children of light, heirs of the promise, joint-heirs with Christ, believers, brethren, the faithful, elect, saint and those that call upon the name of the Lord.

Enjoy the goodness and privilege of being a Christian, and the next time you hear someone being bullied by name calling, share with them why it’s NOT a good thing.

Be kind and compassionate to one another. Eph 4:32

If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26

I’m not trying to be disrespectful or flippant, I’m just feeling soooo frustrated with myself. It must be that pesky perfection gene that pops up from time to time.

I feel like I need some divine intervention today. I’m feeling anxious by my lack of technical knowledge. I’m trying out this new blog site. The person helping me has been most gracious and patient, yet I’m sure will soon be growing weary of me if I don’t learn my way around the site quicker than I am so far.

I am praying I will “get it”. Sadly I feel like I’m trying to do something blindfolded. I am one of those ‘hands on’ people. Show me how to do something a couple of times and I can usually grasp it.

If I was looking at a cookbook I wouldn’t be having this problem. I know my way around the kitchen. I understand all of those cooking terms, whip, cream, fold, stir, chop, dice etc. I’m able to follow a recipe and by looking at the measurements for the ingredients, I know from experience if I want to add more or less of any particular ingredient.

 I can program TiVo’s, VCR’s, TV’s, Digital Appliances and even the gadgets in our car. I’ve been using computers for years. I use Outlook, Excel, Word, Zoom Browsers, I-Tune and the list goes on….so why can’t I get all the gadgets on this new site? I feel like I’m trying to learn a new language. Hmmm….if I could just become a bit geeky.

 As I step out into this new realm of unknown, if you will, say a little prayer for me.

 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. (Lao-Tse)

For the past several months we have heard a lot about accountability, or I should say the lack of it. AIG, Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac, Madoff, Banks and the list goes on. Giant business dealings unchecked and unnoticed, that is until something catastrophic happens; then everyone demands to know “How did this happen?” Who’s Responsible? Of course everyone has their own idea of punishment for the offenders.

Interestingly when I looked up the definition of accountability Wikipedia listed several different types and not one was individual. Those listed were Political, Administrative, Market, Constituency relations, etc. It’s as if someone else has to monitor others to make them responsible, consequently letting us off the hook for our own actions.

Who are you accountable to and are you only accountable if you get caught?

·         Do you drive faster than the posted speed limit

·         Skip Sunday worship to watch sports, hunt, fish, sleep late

·         Call in sick when your not

·         Cheat on you income tax

·         Lie to your spouse/parents/children

The list is endless. Ultimately we have to be responsible for our own actions. I can do a lot of things under the guise of ‘no one is going to know’. But God always knows and I’m thankful he does. I try hard not to disappoint him. I know I do disappoint him often, yet if I hold myself accountable, according to his teachings, I will do it less and less. I pray my actions will never cause another to stumble, yet I also pray I will have the courage to teach accountability to others as well.

Consider the following illustration from (from 1001 Quotes)…

Jawanza Kunjufu, in his book Restoring the Village, writes:

When I was a fourteen-year-old high school freshman, school was dismissed early for a teachers’ meeting. I conveniently neglected to tell my parents about the change and arranged to bring my girlfriend over to my house. We weren’t planning to study.

As we were going up the steps, my neighbor, Mrs. Nolan, poked her head out of a window and said, “You’re home awfully early, Jerome.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” I said, improvising a lame story about how we planned to review algebra problems.

“Does your mother know you’re home this early,” Mrs. Nolan persisted, “and do you want me to call her?”

I gave up. “No, Ma’am. I’ll go inside and call her while Kathy sits on the porch.”

Mrs. Nolan saved our careers that day. If Kathy had gotten pregnant, she might not have become the doctor she is today. And my father had warned me that if I made a baby, the mutual fund he set up for me to go to college or start a business would have gone to the child. I’m glad Mrs. Nolan was at her window, looking out for me.

So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way. Rom 14:12-14

Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God. Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin. Rom 3:19-20

“The temptation to cheat can be overwhelming, particularly if the stakes are high enough.”

(from 1001 Quotes.)